Bad day

Today feels like I've gone backwards 2 steps. I slept pathetically; am trying to stay on my back as much as possible but being a side/belly/wriggly sleeper for as long as I can remember, staying calm on my back the whole night is rather hard. I relax into Savasana as this usually brings on sleepiness and I feel that wave of tiredness ooze over me. However, last night the pain was overwhelming that I could not lie on my back for that long. The best thing that relaxes me and puts me into that dreamy state in when I'm nestled into the side of Kevin's arm, lying on his chest and listening the drum of his heart beat. It's strong, regular, and slow, and I don't know if that has stemmed from childhood when you would be lying on your mother's breast, listening to her heart beat. The drone of the heart, it's slow, rhythmic tone is so soothing. 

For someone who struggled for years with sleeping properly due to interloping, tangled thoughts reeking havoc through my head, I was very surprised and thankful to find that the sound of a heartbeat, and the slow movement of a chest rising and falling is utterly soothing. So last night all I wanted was to do was nuzzle in and drift off to sleep, and when I realised that I could not do it, I got quite upset. No matter what angle I lay on last night, I was sore. The CC was comforting but I can only wear it for a max of 30 minutes otherwise systemically I go cold. I have given up on taking T3's as the nausea is horrendous and I am just over nausea. So I took 2 Hydromorphone tabs and an Advil (plus Gravol as I thought I was going to throw up in bed), and tried to sleep.


This morning I feel hung-over. My head is pounding (and I know I am drinking more than enough water), I went to slowly stand up and my knee screamed out, "what the hell are you doing? No, don't walk on me!" I'm dizzy as hell and the morning smoothie barely was held in. What is wrong with me this morning? Did I push it too much yesterday? I am just aching to get down to my yoga mat and start my usual stretches but I am worried that as soon as I lay flat I will want to throw up again. I thought I'd balance the pain with taking 1 Hydromorphone and 1 Advil (NSAID) every 4 hours but now I think the Hydro is making me so dizzy. 


I feel bad as I wanted to gush over how great yesterday was as I met up with Ed and Gwen, who are 2 people who have been through so many good and bad times and come through stronger and closer. When I feel bad about myself I think about how much Ed has gone through and realise that I am being childish and arrogant as he has gone through many sketchy moments, had many brushes with death and come through stronger and positive. 
I wanted to mush over how just a small handful of friends can make your world seem to big and by having them by my side, I want to prove to them and to me that this is little blip is one of the best challenges life has thrown at me. I wanted to go over the top about how lucky I am to Kevin here by my side. The man is doing everything for me, with a smile on his face, and I can barely do anything back to thank him, but to say thank you. 


But I am just to darn dizzy, to muddled in the head to even think of the right words to put down that perfectly express what I think about these people. So I'm sorry that today's entry is not happy and positive as the others. But, I am hoping that today is not going to be one of many down days, as I do not have the energy or time to waste on sad, feeling crap days. I have far more important things to do with me time! 

So I am going to go nap and hopefully in a couple of hours when I wake I won't feel so shitty...