Chicken soup...for the gut

be gentle with yourself.
                       remember that 'your experience counts'.
                                       there is nothing you need to prove in this experience - you are brilliant & beautiful & wise & strong & courageous - just as you are!
                                                       its OK to be, to feel whatever you need to ...

I hope that Mary doesn't mind that I have quoted her. Today was bad, it was mean, my body said "enough" and it said it verbally by throwing up the drugs I took to try and make it feel better. So I went "fine, you win" and I went straight back to bed, sleeping solidly for about 6 hours. 

I don't know where I got the attitude of, "you're fine, just toughen up, and get through it" I guess I could list 10 excuses, but in the end it is me who has made that final decision to suck it up and don't let the sadness overcome you. Yes, you head hurts like hell after a sob feast, you have ugly, large bags under your eyes, you have no spark, you speak in monotone, and you wear the big label on your forehead stating "poor me, give me sympathy" almost too proudly. 

I don't like that. But I guess it is ok to have a few days like that every now and then. It's when you have that brilliant day you look back and go, "well I overcame that, it really wasn't so bad" 

I had the notion that I do not have the right to feel bad, to feel sad, or struggle because it's "just a knee" I don't have cancer, I didn't have an amputation, or was the victim of a multi-trauma accident. But I can not compare myself to others around me. As the quote says above, this is my experience, and I will be judge of how bad or good it is. I will allow it to take control of my life, or not. 

Maybe I did push it. I think I do have high expectations for myself. I hear of another patient who underwent the same surgery as me a month ago...he is running, he has full range of motion and his heel can touch his bum...bastard! 

I thought of writing down goals o accomplish each week, and most are probably achievable, such as, walk with safety with one crutch. But I think I need to look at the more finer details. Control your pain, increase your appetite, bend that knee for 5 seconds longer. 

But right now, all I am hanging onto is finding those small achievements, praising myself on them, and using that strength to move on. Simple I guess, but I think it'll work.

Anyway, after a light bowl of chicken noodle soup and some ice cream that Kevin served up for me, I decided to get back on that yoga mat, stretch slowly and gently, and why not make a couple of short videos!!

 I didn't realise how wiped out I sound until I listened back to them!

I am looking forward to a nice sleep; my tummy is settled, just have a wicked headache, but am hoping that will be gone by tomorrow. Laziness is wicked, and I could very well change and go down that path. But that is not me, and I think I would beat myself up if I changed into that type of person. To have the odd lazy/rest day, say once a week is fine, but otherwise I have to keep slowly plodding through and soak up all the lovely advice everyone is giving me. I hear it and use it. Nothing beats the voice of friends and I totally value it.